Feather's Edge
by Shadowstar
Summary: A knife's sharp steel is a greater kindness than the gentle touch of a feather. Deals with Shuichi's rape and its aftereffects. Set after canon time.
1. Denial

I've only been with one man willingly, and that man is Eiri Yuki. I think he's the only man I will ever _want _to be with. Yuki... Yuki isn't gentle-- we like rough sex together, I mean, it's hard and vicious and demanding... When I go to work in the morning, I can feel... I can feel _him _until lunch. The two of us are meant to be together, no matter what Yuki says. He does it periodically to push me away, but I always know he's going to let me back in. No matter what.

I knew it. At that time, I couldn't be so sure, of course, because we were so new together. I had to believe it though, I had to believe that he was _lying _when he told me the sex was bad, when he told me he hated me. Because... because I don't think I could have gotten through it without that love.

I know what rape's about. Don't think me naive, I know what it's about. But that night, it wasn't...

"I'll decide whether or not you're cheap after paying, Shindou." That's what he said. Aizawa, I mean.

I figured, I mean, I knew what they were going to do. It was going to hurt, I was going to crawl away when they were done, I might have to go to the hospital... I tried to relax and brace myself at the same time. Sounds dumb, I know. I thought that's what I had to do, try to... you know, minimize the damage?

But it wasn't like that at all.

There were two of them, plus Aizawa. One of them had this baseball cap on, the other one had long hair. They were both bigger, taller, stronger... Well, no. I mean, I could have taken any one of them. I'm a lot stronger than I look. But three of them was too much for me to fight, you know? So it's really not a bad thing that I didn't fight them.

Anyway, the guy with the baseball cap, he, uh... _went first_, I guess. He pulled my clothes off, sort of... but he didn't... you know. Put himself in. He... Well...

Rimming.

Yuki and I never did that. I mean, he says I come too quickly. I don't mean to, but I-- I mean, he's so good, and that's why...

Ah, yeah. I guess that _is _off topic. Guy in the cap. Right.

So I came. Really quickly. Just like Yuki always says, I have no control. None. I'm completely out of control when it comes to sex. I mean, I bet all I'd have to do is _watch _a porno and--

Avoidance? Hey, I'm not avoiding anything. He rimmed me, I came, that's all there is. It felt good. Really, really good. I'm not even sure how many shots Aizawa took of that, but I'm sure there were a few good ones. Money shots. You know.

I... Look, this isn't helping anyone. It's not helping Yuki, it's not helping me, it's not even helping _you_, unless you're allowed to give your client lists to the press... Yeah, yeah, confidential, but I bet you'll talk to Yuki about me, since it's _his _regular hour and--

Look, I didn't _ask _to come here. Yuki _dragged _me here. Called my crazy manager and told him I'd be late and _everything_, you know? This isn't about _me_, it's about _him_, so you might as well stop trying to figure out why a guy like me would have come about a dozen times during his rape.

...Yeah. Yuki's a bit domineering. I don't know if it's from being an author, or from... hey, you could probably tell me, right? I mean, why _is _he that way? Is it from growing up in a temple? That's gotta have an influence on how people turn out. All that ceremony and practicing to become a Buddhist priest, especially when you look like _him_, must make you have nerves of steel! Yuki's so cool!

Me? Oh, I grew up in a normal house. Average in every way. Stay at home mom, sister did great in school, kept tabs on me most of the time because I was such a screw up... Well, not literally, I mean: so I failed tests every now and then. I still managed to pass the year. And Hiro's really smart. I was in the same high school as him. It's not like I'm dumb. I write all the lyrics for Bad Luck's music, you know that? And lyric writing isn't as easy as you think. There's all these things you have to take into consideration, like-- like what track it's going to be, and the tone of the whole...

Um. I guess that's hard to _really _understand, if you're not in the business. Sorry. I guess I'm used to talking to Yuki so much that... well, he really understands everything I say. Deep down. I mean, sometimes there are misunderstandings and all that, but... underneath it all, we understand each other. Mostly.

I couldn't talk to him about _that_. They _raped _me. That's not... something you talk about with your lover, is it? It's not something you talk about at all. I should be stronger than this, should be able to handle it on my own. I don't even know why he made me come. So I freaked out on him. Who says I have to always walk around like I'm on a sugar high?

Besides. Between us, we have enough money to pay for it a thousand times over. It's not like anyone got hurt.

Except me...? yeah, that's what _he _said. Like he knows everything. He's so... _superior _sometimes. I guess he's got the right, he's a lot better than most people, but, you know, I'm a lot better than most people too. Did you know Bad Luck is in the same category as Nittle Grasper these days? There's talk about us even surpassing them.

I remember reading crazy stuff about Ryuichi Sakuma once upon a time. It's not like I'm doing anything much more... scandalous. There was no reason for Yuki to call K like that. Time off? Who needs time off? He's the one who works all the time. Besides, I just _had _time off.

That's why we took that vacation. I organized it all. You know how much it takes to book that much space near Sapporo during the snow festival? You know what I had to do to get that? To arrange it with NG Records and to get Yuki's editors to agree? We had an expectation of privacy!

And reporters shouldn't be taking pictures like that. _Anyone _would get upset if someone started taking pictures of them having sex. It's not because it reminded me of Aizawa. I don't care _what _he thinks...

Look. Isn't the time up yet?

For _this week_? I'm too busy for this kind of thing. I'm _not _going to be back here. Have a nice rest of your day.

Yeah. Same to you.

* * *

Hi.

Look, I'm only here because Tohma Seguchi told me to be here, or he's dropping us from the label. Something about showing good will. I don't get it. If they're pressing charges, how is this supposed to help, right?

I don't know.

Get comfortable? I know how long the session is. I'm not going to get comfortable. I might sit down though.

There, are you happy? I'm sitting.

You know what sucks? Yuki doesn't even get why I'm upset. I mean, Yuki went through it, or something like it. It still affects him, still hurts him all the time! He still loves that asshole Kitazawa. You know how long he wallowed in some stupid fantasy that-- well of course you know. You were _his _psychiatrist long before you became mine.

I think he saw the pictures. Yuki, I mean. We never really talked about it, but... I think he thinks that... well. That they didn't really hurt me. I probably looked pretty happy in all those shots.

Come to think of it, I probably _was _happy. I mean, it felt good. _Really _good. Aizawa kept telling them to do all these intimate things to me, and they were really... good at them. And I just couldn't keep myself under control. It was like... like a festival. You start eating all those candied apples and strawberries and grapes, and suddenly you feel like if you eat just _one more piece _of candied orange, you're going to _throw up _all over the street...

That sounds horrible, doesn't it. Like I wanted it.

I _didn't _want it. I didn't _ask _for it. So why'd it feel like... I mean, how can your whole body feel so good while you're screaming inside?

I sound like one of my stupid, cliche songs. I wish Yuki wouldn't call them that... I know they're not as good as what _he'd _write, but I put my heart into them. So what if I'm not as talented as him...

Sure, it bothers me. I'm a jealous guy. But I still love him. I mean, he's _everything _to me, even if Kitazawa's still everything to _him_.

And now, where are they. Where are my _rapists_? Where do you think they are? Why does everything have to come back to that? And no, I'm not avoiding the subject, I'm just not interested in it!

...Look, it's fine. I'm sorry I blew up there. It's just that I'm over that. I mean, I was unhappy about it that night, and the next day, and then, I went to work to quit, but I found out Yuki was confronting him-- Aizawa, I mean-- and then I was okay with it.

What's so hard to understand? Yuki took care of it. He always takes care of me.

Well, yeah, bringing me here was... I'm sure he meant well... You know, I asked him to come in here with me. He said it wasn't appropriate. I would have liked it though. I mean, I don't even know you and I'm just expected to tell you all this stuff. About our sex life, and our relationship, and why I don't want a camera around when Yuki's about to--

Well, who _would _want a camera around at that time? I wasn't being unreasonable!

Okay, fine, yes, I admit I could have found a better way to deal with it. I probably didn't have to throw an antique at the guy. I probably didn't have to steal the film. It wasn't like I meant it, but I probably shouldn't have threatened him. Or his stupid newspaper.

But you can't say he was totally in the right, either.

Look, this whole rape thing... Seguchi and Yuki are just blowing it out of proportion. They're just trying to protect me, because I'm the best thing in Yuki's life. Yuki knows that. Seguchi knows that, and he figures it's his responsibility to keep Yuki sane. I guess it's really _yours, _isn't it... Good job.

Ah. Sorry about that. I'm just not... not happy to be here right now. Do you think they'd get really mad if we cut things short? Just for today...

Thanks.

* * *

**Author's Notes**

_A number of things inspired this story. _I'll give you the top three.

1.The fact that every single thing I've read about it paints it as a violent rape, and I just have to be different.

2.Who bothers with blackmail over a violent rape? Isn't that just as dangerous to the blackmailer as the victim? It doesn't make sense. All it takes is one person to not fold, and you're in deep shit.

3."That kid cooperated thanks to you, and I took some nice pictures." What, you can't force a kid when you outnumber him three/four to one? You need his cooperation?

_Continuity wise_

Please forgive me. This is set in an amalgamation of anime and manga. I can rarely keep them straight. I'm also a little confused. It looks like there were only two plus Taki in the manga? But there are definitely three in the anime... I'm confused!

_Writing_

I'm always looking to improve. Feel free to tell me what I could do better, this is a bit, ah, experimentational for me, what with basically being a one-sided conversation. There are a few things I felt I could have improved on, but didn't know how to... Constructive criticism will be faced with questions, reviews with thanks, and flames... well... I suppose I could consign them to the bowels of hell along with all the gay characters in Gravitation or something...

This fic isn't yet finished (the ending area is giving me troubles) but I do intend to finish it. It will be a short story, probably under 10K words.


	2. Guilt

Good morning-- Yuki? I didn't know you'd be here.

Oh. They asked. But if I asked it's inappropriate? Never mind. I'm still glad you're here. So... what are we supposed to talk about today? More about Aizawa?

_Like _to talk about? Look, if they weren't making me come here I wouldn't be here.

Yuuuukiiiii, don't say thaaaaat... I'm sooooorry...

Fine! We can talk about that stupid reporter and how he had no right to force his way into our room while we were in the middle of--

No... I don't want to go to jail... Yuki, I didn't hurt him.

Fine, much. A few scratches--

So what if we're celebrities! How should that make a difference?

I'm not avoiding anything! Why do you all keep saying that?

Oh, _you're _one to talk. Who broke up with me before I got raped because he didn't deserve a real relationship? Who decided to leave me right after I got raped because he wanted to avoid the whole thing?

...No, of course I don't blame you for anything, Yuki. I just don't see why everyone wants me to talk about Taki Aizawa and his stupid friends and his dumb camera. So what if the sex was good? That doesn't mean I wanted it.

Does it?

I don't know! But I came, you know. A bunch of times. And they didn't do anything violent. Isn't a rape supposed to be violent? Isn't everything supposed to feel bad? So why didn't it hurt? Why didn't they hurt me at all?

No, I guess I don't mean it like that. I don't want to be dead or something. It's not that I wanted them to hurt me... It's just... I mean, rape's not supposed to be like that. All that false tenderness and a veneer of caring... It's supposed to be harsh and cruel. They're supposed to... to _hit _you. I mean, the only time anyone hit me was right at the end.

Oh, yeah. Aizawa kicked me to stop me from coming again. I think they got tired of it after a while, what with me being so easy. I guess he had enough shots of that...

Ah! Yuki's holding my hand! I love you I love you I love you I-- Aw. Yuki's so mean.

Guy with the hat? Oh. You wrote that down. No, Aizawa didn't wear the hat. How could you mix that up? Aizawa was the guy with the camera. _He _didn't actually touch me, sexually I mean. I... It was actually kind of a relief when he hurt me, so-- Ah, Yuki! I don't mean relief like _that_...

I guess it could have been. All I had to do was close my eyes and imagine it was you, but I couldn't... At that time, everything was so new, you'd never even been that nice to me. Maybe I'm exaggerating. Of course you were nice to me, but--

No no no no no no! Yuuukiiii, that's not what I meant. Of course it's totally different! Sex with you is totally different from being raped. I just felt like that then, wasn't that stupid of me? I'm always dumb like that, and--

What do you mean, counter-productive? I don't want Yuki to leave!

-- Just because-- you don't have to...

Great. Are you happy now? He's going to be all mad and brooding for a week at least.

I don't care _what _Seguchi says. I'm not talking to you.

Stop writing that stuff. I'm not avoiding anything.

Yeah, well, you aren't going to have to deal with a grouchy Yuki all week.

* * *

Good morning.

Hi, Yuki. You're leaving? You don't have to...

Oh. Okay. Have fun writing.

He's still mad at me. About last week.

Well, I mean, he's barely spoken to me... I don't want to talk about him right now. There's some kind of hearing tomorrow morning. K's totally worried. Sakano's going to have a heart attack or something. Hiro went ballistic at me two days ago, and I mean, he's always the nicest guy... I'm such a screw-up, making everyone worry like this. If only that guy hadn't...

The lawyers said not to say things like that. In fact, they told me not to say anything. I don't understand why I have to be there if I'm not supposed to say anything. And Seguchi's holding this big press conference afterwards, to tell all the fans that everything's okay. I'm supposed to shut up for that one too, so he can put the right spin on things and make sure the company doesn't lose face.

The way everyone's acting, I don't know if it _is _going to be okay. I think... if Bad Luck weren't so big right now, I think NG would have dropped us. And it'd be my fault. I mean, Hiro could have gone to med school, been a doctor, and he gave it up for the band, and I could just ruin it. Just like that. Everybody's avoiding me, and I can't blame them.

Except Ryuichi Sakuma. He's a god. He doesn't need to be worried about the bad press he might get from hanging around me. It's kind of strange though. He's so serious when he's talking to me right now. Just the other day, he was giving me legal advice. I mean, _legal advice_? Who talks about that? It was basically the same as everyone else says, you know, mostly just "shut up and let the nice NG lawyers do what's best for you," but coming from Ryuichi Sakuma is like... well, I don't know. It's just strange.

Usually, he's only serious in his music, you know? And now, it's like he's serious all the time around me. I hate it... I want... I want to be happy. This is all just making me depressed. All this talk about lawyers and trials...

Seguchi says that when you piss off a tabloid, you're in big trouble because they'll take it all the way, just for the publicity. He said they'll be trying to get all my secrets. I would have thought they knew them all by now, but... I mean, you know, no one's ever published anything about what Aizawa did to me. I'm kind of worried that they will...

I don't know what happened to those pictures. What if Yuki had them developed in a shop? I mean, you can't trust people when there are celebrities involved. What if they're stored on some computer in Bic or Yodobashi, just waiting for the right time to be sold?

I don't know what I'd do if I woke up and saw that in one of the magazines.

Probably throw up.

Well, that's not-- I mean, I _am _fine with it! What happened happened, and that's all there is to it. Just because I don't want to see pictures of me doing that kind of stuff with people I don't know doesn't mean I'm not over it completely!

Why do you keep throwing that word around? You sound like one of Yuki's books, using the same word over and over to make it important. Of course, he does it in a thousand different kanji to make it all artistic, but it's so obvious and-- Why am I criticizing him? He's not even here.

Well, if I _knew _why, I wouldn't have _asked_.

I just want him back in here with me. I've barely seen him this week, and they're all talking about how I could go to prison, or how all Bad Luck's dreams could crack, or how I should just sit back and do what everyone tells me to do... Well, I did that with Aizawa, and look where it got me!

Onto a stupid bed in Yuki's psychiatrist's office.

Yeah, yeah, my psychiatrist too.

I just want Yuki to forgive me. Is that so much to ask? That he stop blaming _me _for what happened? That he stop thinking it was all my fault for following a guy I knew was my enemy? Why is it too much to ask? Why can't he forgive me?

I'm sorry, I...

Geez. That was so serious. It made my chest hurt. They don't have medicine for that, do they?

No, I don't really want medicine.

Good idea? Good idea for whom? For the lawyers, so they can point at it and say, look, Shindou's sick, you can't blame a sick demented singer for his actions... Or do you mean for the newspapers, so they can put it up somewhere? Headline news: Shuichi Shindou can't handle it! Singer takes mood altering drugs to deal with stress!

I'm doing just _fine_, but thank you for your concern.

Do you think if I called Yuki, he might come back? Or just talk for a while? It's almost lunch time, after all. Maybe he could take a break, or...

You don't like him, do you. It's okay, no one seems to like him, except his family and me. I mean, all those women he was with before me? They only wanted one thing. What's with that look? I told you, he's good in bed.

Hiro hates him, K kind of tolerates him because I love him, he and Sakuma have this really weird staring contest they do at each other every now and then, which is absolutely one-sided because Yuki's generally just looking at me so it's probably not even a real staring contest and... well. Ayaka seemed to like him. And there's Mika, and Seguchi, and Tatsuha, and Yuki's dad... Actually, I'm not so sure Yuki's dad likes him. He wants Yuki to shave his head, after all. That's just wrong. Yuki's hair is too beautiful to shave off.

It's just such wonderful hair... I run my fingers through it, usually when he's asleep, because he gets a little upset if I start doing things that are so girly. But it's not girly! I mean, I'm in an industry where your appearance really counts! It's hard to think that there are guys out there who aren't worried about the newest hair product or--

Oh, come _on_. What am I supposed to be avoiding _now_? What, if I talk about work, I'm avoiding home life, and if I talk about home, I'm avoiding work, is that it? This is just stupid. Why is everything I do wrong? Aren't you supposed to make me feel better about things?

What _are _you supposed to be doing then?

A lens? To see myself through? You're kidding, right?

Look. I don't need glasses. Yuki does, I don't. Maybe that bullshit works on him, but it doesn't work on me.

Do you ask _him _to tell you about our sex life? Does he do it, or does he tell you to shut up about it? Do you ask him all these... these same leading questions about Kitazawa? And me? No wonder he's still so screwed up. You make a business out of it, don't you! You don't have any intention of making people better. You want to keep them like this, always coming back to you for more, putting them on drugs so they can never escape--

I'll tell Seguchi you said that. I can't stand being here ay more. Maybe this will finally convince him that I don't need to come.

* * *

Good-- Yuki... please stay today? Please? You won't talk to me at home, can't we try talking here? You want me to get better, don't you? The stuff I told you was true, I _didn't _ask him to do that. I _wasn't _trying to get back at you, you _know _I wasn't--

Gone again. Why can't he talk to me? Aren't I important to him?

Well. I guess not.

So, tell me something. Do you read those tabloids and things?

Big story about me and Yuki in there. We got into this argument... It was pretty bad. We both ended up saying some stupid things about each other. I mean, it's not like we haven't said this stuff before, but... never when the press was watching either of us like they have been recently. I said something about Kitazawa, he said something about Aizawa... huh. Funny how the names are so similar...

Yeah, right, avoiding things is what's getting me into trouble, right? Fine. He was going on about something. I don't even remember what it was, isn't that just like me? We got mad at each other, and I honestly don't think any of it was all that bad. But then, I said... something like... I think I told him he cared more about Kitazawa than he did about me, and he always had, and I just wished he would get over it and just be _my _lover only. You can bet the press would have had a field day with even just _that_. But then... then, _he _said that he would get over Kitazawa about the same time I stopped complaining about my orgy with Aizawa. And then, the flash of a camera, which seems to be the common factor in all the really crappy parts of my life right now.

I don't know how Seguchi covered so much of this whole thing up. He couldn't do everything, I understand that. I understood it the instant that photo was taken of us. Even if you don't read tabloids, you must have seen it. Both of us out of our seats, him with a glass of wine, me with my soft drink-- he's always more sophisticated than me... We'd have looked good in the photo if it weren't for the headline: Breakup of the Season! All you lovely ladies, it looks like the fantastically beautiful, talented author Eiri Yuki and the good looking, gifted singer Shuichi Shindou are free for the taking.

He even went off and slept with some girl. He hasn't done that in forever.

Of course I'm not happy about it. Who would be? But that doesn't mean I should confront him about it. Besides, what would I say? Should I tell him that if he doesn't stop sleeping with them, he should forget about sleeping with me? Should I tell him that if we're going to have an open relationship, I'll go sleep around too?

I don't even _want _to sleep with anyone else.

The papers keep writing that I'm sleeping with everyone. Look at how close Shuichi and Hiro are in that scene! Look, look, his manager is pulling him by his hand, must be lovers! And then there's Ryuichi Sakuma, who looks so much like me that we must be sleeping together... To read the newspapers, I'm sleeping with everyone at NG, plus a few people from other recording companies.

I wouldn't care if they didn't believe it.

Seguchi should know better, don't you think? He looks at me like I'm _really _cheating on Yuki. I mean, does he really think I'd...

Well. He hasn't always liked me, he hasn't always hated me. Sometimes I'm a good decision, sometimes I'm a bad one. I think I'm good more often than bad in his eyes... Right now, I'm an embarrassment to the company, and to Yuki. I'm bringing all the _wrong _kind of publicity. If Bad Luck just slips a _little bit _we're out.

Suguru'll land on his feet just fine, but I don't know what'd happen to Hiro. I guess they've got enough money that they can retire if they need to, but... but what would I _do _without music? I need it... It's like a drug...

I'm almost as bad for that as for Yuki.

Oh, yeah, the hearing last week. Well, we settled with the ryokan for the antique thingie. I thought this was for the whole... uh, incident. But... no. It was just for that part. I don't know why we didn't just settle in the first place. Maybe it was just an excuse for the press conference afterwards...

And Seguchi announced that we're suing the newspaper and the reporter for my mental distress. Seguchi said that's more of a stalling technique. They apparently filed the papers the night the whole thing happened, so that no one could publish the pictures...

Suing for mental distress. It makes me sound like such a complete _wimp. _Why'd they have to use _that_? Probably something to do with my defense overall. I guess that's why I'm here, right?

...I just wish Yuki wasn't ignoring me.

I don't suppose you could do something about that, could you?

Yeah. I didn't really think so...

I know he cares. I'm pretty sure he loves me. Almost a hundred percent. I just wish he wouldn't shut down like that. He just shuts me out of his life whenever things are unpleasant.

Yeah. I guess that could be why.

It's not just me. You know that. We feed off of each other.

I don't want to talk about Yuki right now.

Do you know, even Sakuma stopped hanging around with me after that story in the newspaper. I guess I've really screwed up this time, if even Sakuma is afraid to sit near me. I just... I just don't feel like it should be so bad. I know I caused some damage, but who hasn't? Someone who tries to take pictures of other people having sex _should_ expect someone will throw something at them. I wish I hadn't hurt him but... I mean, he's the one who decided to try to take inappropriate pictures of us. Stupid, stupid reporter...

I guess that's kind of wrong, isn't it... I'm blaming the victim, when it's really my fault. My responsibility. But what's the right thing to do now?

What? I can't just blame it on Aizawa! It's not his fault. I can't just say everything's his fault and nothing's mine, and pretend that makes everything all right. It's not _his _fault that Yuki broke up with me then, it's _mine_. It's not _his _fault I followed him home, even though I was thinking he wasn't a nice guy, _I _was drunk, _I _decided to do whatever stupid things I did. I was the one who couldn't keep myself from _liking _my own rape... That was _me_, not Aizawa. Aizawa didn't force me to enjoy it. I did that on my own.

I'm so sorry, Yuki... I betrayed you... that night... even though I only wanted to protect him, I betrayed him...

I'm sorry. I can't keep going right now. I want to go home. K's outside, he'll take me home, okay? Maybe I'll see Yuki, if he's not out with some cheap slut... We belong together, no matter what, that's what I said when I first saw you, right? He'll always let me back in. I know he will. I've just gotta hang tight.

* * *

**Authors Notes**

Well, I guess this isn't too terribly popular here (judging by the raw number of people who've visited), but a big thank you to those who've responded. I'm hoping that I can finish this story tomorrow... Though, it'll probably be kind of (no, completely) wrong in terms of legal style stuff. But as my job has nothing to do with law, especially law as it relates to celebrities...


	3. Depression

Yuki.

Hi.

You're staying?

Oh. Should I sit down?

Right. So. The... the trial starts next Tuesday--

Well, you haven't been talking to me, how could I have told you that? ... Yeah. Trial... Um... The lawyers say the criminal case will probably be over really quickly. They said they've got a bunch of... whatever it is lawyers have, so that'll be okay... and... Why are you staying here, Yuki? Aren't you still angry?

I guess it was nice of Seguchi and Sakuma to ask you to... but maybe if you don't want to be here you should... if you don't want to be here, you don't have to be, you know.

Last week? Oh, what I said then... it was... I can't tell him... I... I don't think Yuki would want to know...

You would? Geez. I'm not even sure what we're talking about. I talked about a lot of stuff last week--

No! Don't go, Yuki, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, just don't go... We haven't talked for almost two weeks. You're barely home, and when you are, you're in your room drinking... I miss you. I know it sounds stupid, but I... I've barely talked to _anyone _in over a week, not even the girl at the convenience store...

Ah... ha ha. Well, I just don't want to be in any more illicit love affairs, you know? So I've been working on my lyrics mostly, by myself. Did a bit of recording. K said that if this all clears up favourably, we can use the publicity to boost our sales. Sakano went nuts about that statement, he always sees the worst in any situation... said Seguchi would fire him, but then, if K pulled it off I don't see why Seguchi would be upset... if it turns out favourably...

Do you think it'll be okay, Yuki? I know what the lawyers say, but... I'm a bit nervous, and...

You think so? That's really--

Wow. That's _really_... um... Well, maybe when we get home, I can show you how I feel about that. What was it I was supposed to tell you?

Oh. Responsibility. I'm not sure I'm really ready to talk about that... I remember that stuff I said. It was really... unhappy. I don't want to make myself that unhappy again.

No, I suppose I can't go on avoiding the issue. But how am I supposed to tell him that? Am I supposed to say I'm sorry about it? I mean... I don't think he'll even understand.

Well, of _course _he's gone through a lot, and of _course _I understood with him, but--

Of course I trust Yuki!

It's just that... it's hard to... okay, fine. No matter if it's hard. I've never been the kind of guy to just take the easy way out, right Yuki? If I were that kind of guy, I'd never have won you over. I'll just say I'm sorry and--

Just tell him my feelings, don't apologize? What kind of advice is that?

Okay, fine. But it's going to be an apology. Because it _is _my fault. Yuki, I'm sorry that I... that I enjoyed it. With Aizawa and his guys, I mean. I know I should have hated the whole thing, but I don't have any control over myself, you know that, and I-- I'm sorry I betrayed you. I was only trying to protect you--

Whoa. Yuki kissed me in front of the psychiatrist.

But I mean... You don't blame me? What, not at _all_? But what about what you said that night about me and Aizawa's orgy and all that--

... I don't get it. If you don't blame me, why do I still feel so guilty?

Enough for today? What do you mean by that? I just asked you a question!

I'm supposed to... _what_? Why do you even _go _to these things if they can't answer the questions, Yuki?

Well, that's just _dumb. _If I have to figure it all out for myself, what's the point of coming here? I can just talk to myself in the mirror or something.

Fine, fine, I'll think about it.

* * *

Hi. Um. This is kind of awkward isn't it., but it might be better like this... I mean, I don't want to go through a crowd... K has bodyguards come over when I have to get to the trial, but other than that, we're kind of on our own here.

I'm glad it's not a big inconvenience.

Yeah, I thought about it. I still don't really get it though. Why I feel guilty, I mean. I apologized to Yuki, so... maybe it's not him I feel like I should apologize to? But if it's not him, then who? I apologized to Hiro back then for getting into that situation... I don't understand why apologizing didn't work. Saying you're sorry and getting forgiveness should make things feel better, shouldn't it?

I _know _I didn't do anything wrong, I know it was all _them _that did, but I... it's just so strange. I had to do what they said, I didn't have any choice in it... but shouldn't I have been better than that? Shouldn't I have... found some way to... I don't know. Maybe I _am _as screwed up as the lawyers are saying. Everyone thinks I'm not listening, because I'm so outgoing... But they said all the big-shots are nuts in some way. I wonder if they include Seguchi in that... You'd never see it in him. He's so controlled...

I don't have to worry too much, it seems. They got a publication ban. It's not really enough to keep all the guys outside the door away, so... Still, at least nothing that's said in there is going to get out to the press. They're trying everything they can to get one of _us _to let the information slip out. I guess they can't get it from the lawyers, right? They're all too well trained. Well, so am I! I graduated from the NG school of... uh... oh, well, it's top secret, actually.

Yeah. It's nice to laugh sometimes. Even Yuki likes to laugh sometimes! Not often enough though, Yuki, you need to laugh more...

Oh, yes, he's here with me! I didn't think that you can't see him here... Hm, don't tell him anything too embarrassing about what I've said to you!

We're still talking about things. It's just hard... Even harder with the situation...

The trial? Well... Even though they said it would be quick, it hasn't been. I guess because I'm a celebrity, so they figure we have to play by different rules or something. The lawyers told me they were acting like this whole thing was a murder case instead of just a minor assault, that that's why they couldn't make a deal with anyone. But they say they wouldn't have made any deals anyways, and they're still going to win.

They've been blaming my behaviour on temporary mental instability. I don't know exactly what that means, but... the questions they asked Yuki when the prosecution called him up... The thing is, I really don't have problems, except for when I'm in one of my slumps, so I don't think Yuki was able to say anything that really worked for my defense.

Seguchi came by last night and told us the lawyers are fighting the prosecution on something important today, but that we shouldn't worry about it. Shouldn't worry about it? If we shouldn't worry, he shouldn't have told us, right? I hate not knowing what's going on, but what can I do, right? I don't think Seguchi would tell me even if I asked him straight out--

Yuki, where are you going? I thought you said you'd stay...

Oh, fine then. I don't care. Sure, shut the door, I guess...

Where was I? Oh, yeah. Seguchi also said I might have to take the stand, so I said, "Take it where?" He told me to stop imitating Ryuichi in "one of his moods." I just wanted to lighten the atmosphere a bit. You know how Yuki can get when he's upset about something, and that whole conversation was making him more and more angry. He understands Seguchi much better than I do. Or maybe he just understands the whole legal thing better than me, you know? He was really upset after Seguchi left.

I think he thinks we're going to lose.

No, I haven't _asked _him. Things are really tense around here in general. And besides. If he says yes, it won't help anything.

I just want it to be over. I want to go back to recording. I haven't been at the studio for a while... Yuki said I was singing in my sleep last night. I think he found it a bit annoying. He woke me up and told me to go on the couch if I couldn't shut up.

Well, he's not _that _mean, of course he let me back in!

He's there for me when it really counts. He's been to _all _my concerts, well, all the planned ones... So he's standoffish. Big deal. He's romantic in private. I love him.

No. He wasn't. But... Everything doesn't come down to that. It's not the defining moment of my life. I guess it's more significant than I thought it was, but it really doesn't have anything to do with my relationship with Yuki.

Well, I'm sorry, but I'll have to disagree. The rape has nothing to do with Yuki.

Well, yeah, okay, I apologized to him for that, but--

Maybe it does. But it's not like I've sat here thinking about it, so it's pointless to keep asking me questions like that. What is it you think I'm going to say? You think I'm going to tell you I'm angry with him for leaving me like that? Or... or that I was disappointed?

It's not like I can say I was happy about him leaving me, but I'm _never _happy when he does that. Who would be happy when their lover leaves them because of his insecurities? That was always the worst part. If he'd really not liked me, I could have moved on. Probably. Maybe...

I mean, he's hot! And cool! And... and... Okay, fine. I probably wouldn't have moved on even if he really didn't like me. But luckily, he does, so that's not a problem, and... what were we talking about? It's probably kind of pointless for me to just talk about Yuki all the time, but I love him so much that--

Oh, hi, K.

I thought they were going to be busy all day.

Ah. Well, sorry, doctor. Guess I'll talk to you next week.

* * *

Hello? Are you there? It's me, Shuichi Shindou.

I-- I know it's not our regular time, but could I talk to you?

They had Aizawa there today, and these big blown up pictures, and-- and-- they were talking about it, saying it wasn't really any kind of a defense because I'd wanted it all along. I got up and said he was lying. One of the lawyers pulled me back down, and I almost hit him, but I didn't, but then Lazy Eyes just kept on spewing out those lies and--

I'm calm, I'm calm, anyway I just stood up and started yelling at him about it, and I don't think any of them believed me, no, of course they didn't, they charged me a fine and the lawyers sent me home and then Yuki yelled at me and closed the door in my face, and I swear Aizawa was laughing the whole time and, and--

I _am _calm, but the press was watching it all, taking notes, and the lawyers said they'd lost something, probably the whole case because I couldn't just watch him say that kind of thing about me, and I-- I-- Seguchi was behind me, and he had this horrible sour look on his face when I was told to leave and he just kept staring at me and Aizawa and all the lawyers in the room and the press and--

_I am calm! _Ryuichi was there and he tried to hug me as I left the courtroom but I just started crying and he tried to give me stuff but I just kept hearing Aizawa telling them things and I yelled at him for being Aizawa and--

C-c-calm down? I...

I'm sorry. I shouldn't have called you. I'm such an idiot. I'm sorry.

No, I-- Goodbye.

* * *

Oh, geez. I worried you enough to come here... I'm so sorry. Uh, look, now's really a bad time. Seguchi is here, and a bunch of the lawyers, so... I'm so sorry, but... please leave.

I promise I'll be there for the appointment.

The day after tomorrow-- but that's Yuki's--

Right. Don't worry, we'll be there. Okay? I'm sorry, but... good night, doctor.

* * *

**Author's Notes**

Hope this is the right length... One more chapter to go... Gah. Where's my beta reader when I need her? Asleep! Damn those time zones... The last bit definitely needs beta-ing before I post. Anyone willing to do it tonight? I'm a very impatient person, and would like to get this out before my "C" test tomorrow (quotes by HR, wish me luck!). I hope I get an interview with the company I'm trying for...


	4. Acceptance

Hi.

I'm sorry about that call the other day. I was really upset. Not even sure why.

Yeah. Okay, _fine_, if you want to say it _that way_, Yuki, I guess that _was _why I was upset. The courtroom... He's right, I completely lost it. Maybe Yuki's been right all along, and I really do need to deal with it--

Hm. Yes, you are right an awful lot of the time, but it's not a perfect record, you know...

Yes, doctor, I'm sorry... Avoiding, always avoiding... The thing is, I'd _handled _seeing Aizawa before. I told him he was pathetic when he came and threatened Yuki. So why _this _time... Why couldn't I handle it this time? Was it because of the pictures? They were so horrible. My own eyes staring at me like that... everyone else in the room staring at me, or my image... His eyes... that satisfied smirk... just like then, so confident, he knew he'd won, that I wouldn't fight him, couldn't even try...

Um, well... Even so, I had no right to bother you like that.

Seguchi came over that night and worked something out that benefitted everyone, more or less. That's why I couldn't let you in that night... But that means things are mostly okay now. Or going to be. The reporter won't take the stand, and in a case like this, that means they can't move forward, so I won't have to see Aizawa again. Well, that's what the lawyers said.

Honestly? I think Seguchi might have had to pay them off in order to settle everything... he looked so angry, in that strange detached way of his... He's as scary as serious Ryuichi Sakuma... Ah, well, anyhow, it seems as though things are resolved now, so please don't worry on my behalf.

Yes... But this is _Yuki's _time, so I should probably just go over here and sit in the corner until you're done... Unless you want me to wait outside, Yuki? I really only came so that--

All right, I'll stay! It's not like I really _wanted _to wait outside. The press is still hounding us, after all...

Well, no, we haven't discussed it. But... Yuki, we don't need to.

Look, you've never discussed Kitazawa with me, I mean, not, you know, _details_. You can't expect for me to discuss what they did to me.

Do I want to--? I... Yuki...

--Stop! I _don't _want to know, I don't _want _you to tell me--

...Oh... Yuki...

I wish you'd never known him. I wish--

All right. I won't wish those things. But is it okay if I wish he'd never hurt you?

...Yuki...

...if it's really what you want...

...All right. All right. Where am I supposed to start?

The beginning. Thanks, Yuki. Sometimes, I really understand why you won the Naoki prize! You're so very good with words!

Fine, I'll just get on with it.

Thanks, doctor. See, Yuki, you could be a little more like _that-_-

All _right_, Yuki!

...I was upset that night. I couldn't decide... whether to be drunk, or angry, or depressed... I was even pissing _Hiro _off, and you know he's so calm he'll take just about anything from anyone without batting an eyelash. Kind of like Yuki, but nicer.

Just kidding!

Anyhow, I was going to go home. To my parent's house, I mean. I didn't want to sponge off of Hiro, and hotels are so impersonal, after all. But then these fans recognized me, and suddenly they were all... there were all these people, coming out of nowhere trying to get a piece of me. I was a bit-- no, a _lot _drunk. I started running.

When Aizawa showed up, I got him to say his name, gave him a taste of having people chase him. I didn't do it on purpose, but... It was actually _fun_, especially since I wasn't running alone. We ran all the way to his apartment. Then he invited me up for a drink. He said... I think it was something about how he needed to take the edge off the nerves from being chased.

Well, I wasn't going to argue against having a drink. I was drunk already, and... I thought it wouldn't hurt to have a drink with my rival, maybe we could get to know each other a little better, and then we wouldn't be so insulting towards each other. I mean... we were both artists, right? Both under the NG label, and Seguchi doesn't sign people who suck, so no matter what _I _thought personally, ASK had to be a great band.

Am I avoiding it again?

Hm. Well, so we went up, and we got to talking over some beer, and he started telling me these stories... they were pretty funny, and I relaxed little by little. And then he asked me about being a celebrity, and I... I let it slip. About Yuki and I.

He just sort of turned around and there were these two guys there. I got up and tried to get out, but... well, obviously, I couldn't. The guy with the long hair grabbed me, hand on my mouth, and the other guy undid my jeans and put his hand down them. I told them to stop, told them I didn't know any Eiri Yuki... but of course, that was just stupid. It just confirmed everything Aizawa had said.

I should have known it wouldn't be what I expected. The guy in the hat was rubbing my chest, pinching my nipples, kissing my neck... And then Aizawa threatened you. I... I tried to kill him for that, but I guess I forgot that there were two guys holding me. Guy in the hat was nearest, he punched me, and I doubled over onto the ground.

I told him I wouldn't betray you. Told him... I don't remember all the stuff we said. I remember the guy with long hair took the opportunity to stand over me, trying to intimidate me... I knew I couldn't give in to that. I was scared, sure, but... well, you can't give in to people like that, that's what I thought.

They turned me over, doggie style, elbows on the floor... they spread my legs. Aizawa was looking into my eyes. I don't think I'll ever forget those droopy eyes at that moment... satisfied and cruel...

When the guy behind me touched his mouth to my backside, I couldn't figure out what he was doing. I was such an _innocent_... Even with all that stuff we'd done together... Yuki and I... I was still...

Anyway. He did it, and I came, and Aizawa took pictures. I'd told them to go fast, but... Guess they weren't interested in speed. It all felt so... I don't know. Good and bad at the same time. Like... like singing something really and truly horrible. Or... American pop. You know, because it's so hard to fit your mouth around the words...

After I came, Aizawa told them he wanted more variety. I gave one of them a blow job, and the other one prepared me for the... the penultimate act, I guess.

Yuki, don't be so crude.

The blow job wasn't exactly exciting for me, and I don't even remember if he _came_, but the guy with his fingers in my ass seemed to know exactly what he was doing. Exactly where to touch me... I almost came while he was doing _that_. I don't know what's wrong with me, to feel like coming when I didn't even know him... And when he put himself in, and reached under, I-- He barely had to even stroke me.

They'd tilt my head back, kissing under my neck while they took the photos. One of them kept complimenting me on how good I looked like this, on how responsive I was when I came... I remember I felt really sick about that. How many times I'd wished _you'd _say that, tell me how wonderful I was instead of complaining about my lack of control, how you weren't fully satisfied...

Sick freak even told me he _loved _me.

Of course I know it didn't mean anything. They were just _words_. I know he didn't love me. But I mean... how can you say that kind of thing? _Why _would you say that kind of thing? Was he trying to hurt me by saying that? Or did they think it would confuse me? Maybe it was a fantasy. Proclaiming love to a famous guy. Maybe he wanted me to say it back. Maybe he thought I had to...

Deranged fans have--? What could be worse than that?

Oh. I suppose that _is _worse...

Well. After he told me he loved me... He kissed me, full on the lips. Aizawa took a picture of that. My eyes were closed, but I remember the flash... his tongue sliding around mine... I was so tired. They hadn't made me do much of anything but... Maybe because I was so... sexually satisfied. They pushed me down onto my side and _cuddled _me between them. He took another couple of pictures.

They brought me into the bathroom, washed me off all tenderly. Made me wash them, first with my hands, then with my tongue.

Don't look at me like that, Yuki. What else could I have done? Let them take us _both _down?

I did my best not to get them all the way to the end, but that was a dumb idea. One of them pushed me down and used his _own _hands and came on my face. Aizawa finished taking the pictures with that.

They turned me over onto my front, hands and knees on the tiles. The other guy entered, I got hard again. That's when Aizawa kicked me... It was such a relief, to be hurt like that. To not come for them again.

And when he was done, they wiped my face and my ass and pulled me out of the bathroom. They put my clothes back onto me like I was some broken doll. I barely hurt at all. I felt so... satisfied, but at the same time, I felt sick to my stomach. Aizawa got them all beers while I sat there trying to shove my shoes onto my feet in the front entranceway. They were all laughing, talking about me. About how tight I was, how many times I'd come, how I couldn't give good head to save my life... how the only thing worthwhile about me was my asshole... how pathetic is it that I cared? That I still...

How pathetic.

Eventually I got my shoes on and walked out of the apartment and into the elevator. I remember the walk took forever, getting to Hiro's house. Every step reminded me that I wasn't crawling away, that I wasn't hurt... And that... that hurt most of all.

...Yuki...

Thanks. Ah. I... wish it never happened. But in some strange way, it brought us closer together, so I... I can't regret it. It really showed me what I was willing to do for you.

I don't _care _if you didn't want me to do that for you. I did it. I shouldn't even feel guilty for enjoying it, because I let them do it for you.

I know that, Yuki. But I still _do _feel guilty.

Blame _you_? For what?

Sorry? No. It... It wasn't your fault either.

* * *

Hi. I'm back again.

Seguchi came by this week. He looked all pleased with himself. Yuki was really angry at him and told him not to drag us through the mud ever again just because he wanted to boost sales. My latest album sold five million in three days. It's a little overwhelming... I'm supposed to go on tour again soon, but I don't think... Doesn't matter. K's a really good manager, to be able to take advantage of all that.

Well, no. I can't exactly be happy about that, but... Sales are sales.

You remember the stupid reporter who started this whole thing, right? Well, I had to do photos for his paper yesterday, and he got to do this interview with Yuki and I about how psychiatry works for big stars like us. I didn't like having to sit down with him _at all_, let alone talking about going to a psychiatrist, but Yuki said that with how badly Seguchi had bungled this whole little "promotional stunt" of his, we just had to sit there and take it, no matter how bad it was.

Promotional stunt? Who would make something like this happen just for promotion?

Well, I don't think so, but Yuki's been saying a lot of bad things about Seguchi lately. About how he could have spared us this whole trial, spared everyone the worry. He keeps saying Seguchi wanted to satisfy his curiosity, and to force Yuki to talk to me about things he didn't want to talk about, and to make everyone sell better... I don't really understand what Yuki says sometimes. He gets so angry sometimes, and just pretends like there's nothing wrong...

I don't know. I don't think that Seguchi could have just snapped his fingers and made everything better. Maybe they had to see me break down to really believe that we weren't just making this thing up about Aizawa. There's no reason to be mad at him. Sometimes, Yuki acts like more of a child than _I _do, you know... like Seguchi's some sort of omnipotent figure...

Or maybe he just loves Seguchi like I love Ryuichi. Ah... Sakuma, I mean. I wonder what I'd think if Ryuichi Sakuma turned out to be human like everyone else... I'd probably be upset. Luckily, I don't think I have to worry too much about that. Sakuma is a god. I don't think he could be like the rest of us even if he wanted to be. He shines too brightly.

At any rate, Yuki's been in a better mood around me lately, so I can't say I'm too upset.

Yeah, well... He blames Seguchi for that.

We both hated the whole thing, but if there _was _another solution, I didn't see it. Seguchi had to pull some really _major _strings to get that asshole reporter to drop his charges. He told me to act all... _fragile _around him. You know, like I was close to tears? But putting on a brave face despite that. Isn't hard to act when you really feel a bit like that, actually: all I really did was let the fears a little closer to the surface than I would normally... it was harder during the interview than the negotiations. Yuki would have gotten really angry if I'd looked like I was about to cry or something.

No, not at me. Or, maybe a little bit at me. Mostly, he'd have been angry at the reporter. And it would have _spilled over _onto me. You know what he's like. He's usually so contained that when he does let something out, it's so strong that it gets onto everything... He tries to make sure none of it hurts me though. I wish he wouldn't try to protect me from himself.

Oh, _that. _I'm glad he was willing to share his story of Kitazawa with me, I guess... although, I can't say it was pleasant to hear... How sad we both are, underneath his calm and my happiness. Is everyone like that? All sadness and guilt?

Guilty feelings... I wonder, do they ever go away? Can you ever _really _get over them?

No, I don't really... we both feel guilty about things that I guess we shouldn't feel guilty about. Shooting Kitazawa... that was a good choice, I think. I guess he'd say I didn't really have a choice with liking what Aizawa did to me... but all the same...

I still feel guilty about it. Like I should have done something...

I don't know _what_. Just... something.

I know I didn't do anything wrong. I know it was them. They were the ones who hurt me, I didn't do anything to make them do it, I didn't ask for them to do it, I _know _that... but I didn't do anything to stop them either. I didn't think I'd be betraying Yuki like that.

No. He doesn't think I was betraying him. But I... maybe I really feel like I was betraying myself? Kind of hard to apologize to yourself though. "Hey, me, I'm sorry about liking that disgusting episode in my life. I know it wasn't really my fault, but I think I should try to forgive me anyways, okay?" "Yeah, sure, no problem, you know I'd forgive you."

Hey.

You know, that actually did make me feel a little better.

The time's up, isn't it... I spend too much time just thinking when I'm here.

Oh, I don't know. Seguchi hasn't _said _I have to keep coming, but he implied it'd be for the best. At least, I _think _that's what he was implying when he said that stuff about the best moves going forward... Yuki said he thinks it's a good idea to have someone besides him to dump all my problems on.

_My _thoughts? Well... I've been thinking that maybe it's good for me to keep coming.

Yeah. So... uh... see you next week?

Yep. Time to go out and face the rest of the world.

La li ho!

* * *

**Authors Notes**

Thank you to all who reviewed, and to those of you who've read and didn't review... Review now, come on! It's not that hard, just put up your note saying "I was here."


	5. Transpose

I know I'm repeating myself again, but it's true. He's a complete moron sometimes.

He got mad at me for my little infidelity the other day. So I slept with some girl. I'm sure he's slept with his fair share.

No. It's never come out that he has. But you can't tell me that when he's on his tours that he-- No. Fine, I know he hasn't. But so what? I never told him I'd be faithful to him alone for all time, I never told him he had to be, I never said--

Hah. Little idiot gets me all worked up every time. Fine. So I broke a promise.

I suppose it bothered him. Every little thing bothers him. Every little thing I do or don't do, say or don't say... Love is so bothersome. So annoying.

I shouldn't have done that to him...

Insecure? That's an understatement. It's idiotic how bad he is for that. I've been with him for years. If I were going to leave, I would have done it by now. I wouldn't have told him about Kitazawa. I wouldn't put up with his noise. I wouldn't try to help him with his career.

You meant _I'm _insecure? Oh, thank you.

I see right through you, you know, Tohma. You set this whole thing up so I wouldn't have any choice but to finally tell Shuichi all the rest of the details about Kitazawa Yuki. And then you took advantage of it as though it were some promotional stunt, having us talk to that idiot reporter.

Oh, stop it. You live and breathe this stuff. If you didn't quash it immediately, it's because you had some kind of plan, and your plans always seem to involve me making a fool of myself.

Do you think I'm that naive? You want me to be a child again. You want me to be a _child_.

No, never mind.

You know me.

Ahh... The brat was justified. He just went a bit overboard. I'd have done it _myself _if he hadn't beat me to it. Little idiot. Wish he'd just let me take care of things for him... Damned kid. I've been watching you handle sleaze ball reporters and paparazzi since I was a kid. You don't just attack a reporter, you have to _sweet-talk _them. I wish they'd leave us alone.

That's idiotic. I don't _really _want them to leave us alone. When the vultures stop going after us like that, it will mean that one of our careers is over. Or both. It's selfish of me to wish that. And I wouldn't really be happy, so don't you take any action, got it?

I knew the papers would notice that girl. If I wanted them not to, I'd have called you.

Want it to get back to him? ...I see. You think I was trying to hurt him, put him in a slump or something. I wasn't.

Was I? No. No, I--

Maybe.

I remember when I first saw those pictures. It was... morbid curiosity on my part. I don't know why I had them developed instead of just shredded. I got him home, laid him on my bed, went out and paid an exorbitant amount of money to get them developed in under ten minutes, came home and looked at them, and then I just read a book while he lay there.

I thought his friend lied to me. Or he'd lied to his friend. I saw consent in every turn of his head, every kiss, every touch. Every shot where he came, and where they came. Where he made them come.

No, Tohma. We both know him better than that. If he calls it rape, it was rape. Even so, it's hard to see it. He didn't fight them. Beyond a slight illness, he wasn't hurt. I know it was traumatic. I saw the pain in his eyes when he told me the details. You saw him in that courtroom and decided to call the whole thing off because of it.

That _is _why, right?

Neither of us had seen it before. Was I wrong to think it wasn't as... non-consensual as he claimed? I've been wrong before. Especially when it comes to him. My choices aren't as...

Yes, they disturb me. Shouldn't they?

Still, that brat and I work together, somehow.

Exposing myself to him is very difficult. More so than with you.

Well, you already know everything, don't you.

Does it really matter who I sleep with?

Yes. Well, I care. I care what he thinks about me.

If he thinks badly of me, I can't disappoint him, can I... That's what it is, isn't it... It's all intention. If he thinks badly of me because I do something wrong on purpose, I protect myself from his censure if I do something that I didn't mean.

I'm a broken record.

Why am I screwing things up between us?

I--

He's home. You should go.

Stop bouncing around the house and just sit down, brat. Good _bye_, Tohma.

Yeah. Maybe next time. Now get _out_.

Thought he'd never leave. Look, Shuichi... I'm sorry. I shouldn't have had sex with that woman.

Idiot. You don't have to avoid things around me. I'll love you regardless.

Oh for-- don't get all excited over a single word. Don't act like it means something special.

What the _fuck _does it matter if it's _rare_?

You stupid brat... they told you it during your _rape_, how can it still be special?

...Why do you look so cute when you say such stupid things?

I already told you I was sorry.

Well, what do you want me to say, then?

Hate you? Where the hell would you get that idea from? You think I'd let you stay here if I hated you, you dumb noisy brat?

Shuichi... stop crying.

That always stops your crying. A tender kiss, some soft words... Do you really like that kind of gentle touch? I think you like it rougher... like this...

What do you want? Hm?

Pardon me? No. Absolutely not.

I don't give a _damn _what the psychologist said.

Scared? You are on some dangerous ground right now, brat, and if you keep going in this direction, I'll--

Get out.

I said _get out_.

I don't care. Sleep at Nakano's, or Sakuma's, or go find Aizawa and sleep at _his _house for all I care, but get out of _my house!_

I'm closing the door now. Don't bother the neighbors.

...Fuck...

...Tohma, pick up your damned phone... Pick the hell up, you megalomaniacal excuse for a brother in-- _Finally _you answer.

One ring, one _hundred_, it's all the same. Can you send one of your people to watch Shuichi again?

_Yes_, I kicked him out already. I'm a fucking retard when it comes to this fucking relationship, that's what you want to say, right? Well don't say a fucking word, okay? I called you. That's all my fucking obligation is. You pick it up from there.

Yeah, right, leave you to pick up the fucking pieces of my fucking mistakes.

Just _fuck off_.

Whatever. I'm hanging the fuck up now.

* * *

Where the fuck is he? He should be back by now. That fucking _brat_. He doesn't take anyone else into consideration, just his own needs and wants. I did something wrong, yes, but that doesn't give him the right to ignore my phone calls. I called his fucking cell phone four times today, and he won't pick up.

What do you mean by _that_? Did you tell him to fucking ignore me, Tohma?

Some relative you are.

So what if I brought up Aizawa? He's a big boy, he can handle it.

What the fuck is that supposed to mean, he _can't _handle it? I'll go to every single other studio in this building if I have to, Tohma, I want to fucking _apologize _and you--

No. My last apology didn't go as planned. But--

You're not a babysitter for either of us.

Just let me apologize so we can go back to normal.

I know I hurt him. That's why I want to tell him I'm sorry.

...Yes. I told him to go to Aizawa. But I was provoked--

I already know I stepped over the line.

_You're _mad at me? So _what_? He will forgive me.

Not if I can't apologize--? What the hell do you think you're saying, Tohma?

You did what...?

...Best for both of us...

Sometimes, Tohma, you astound me. What gives you the right to play with my life like that?

I know I did some stupid things. But Tohma... sending him out on a tour like that... when I haven't even apologized... this wasn't planned beforehand, you did it to spite me. Why do you do that?

Hmph. I'm not sixteen, Tohma. I'm not that kid anymore. You can't just protect me from myself and expect me to be happy about it.

Why is everyone around me so stupid?

Forget about it, Tohma. When's he coming back?

Will you at least keep me updated on where he is?

On how he's doing, then.

Fine. Tell him I'm sorry I missed his show.

* * *

Took me a while to track you down, Shuichi. And your manager was watching for me, I saw him looking out into the crowd... Tohma didn't want me to see you. It was hard for me to even find out what hotel you were in, never mind getting up here... Sorry for waking you up, but it really was the only way I could talk to you.

Yeah. I know. I did it twice. I thought if we talked about it with the psychiatrist, I wouldn't bring him up again, but I did. It was wrong of me. Sorry.

I don't know why I keep doing it.

Here, I brought you some pocky. Strawberry, of course.

Look. You know how I feel about you. The words I say sometimes... they don't reflect much of anything. And if you don't know how I feel, no words will ever convince you of it, so there's no reason to bother with them.

Hmph. You liked that, huh? Mizuki's idea. Stupid dedication... Don't think anything about it, it doesn't... well, maybe it does make you a little bit of a somebody.

Shuichi... You didn't like what Aizawa's... _people _did, right?

_Yes, _I have to ask you that, I can't understand it from the pictures.

I'm sorry. I _do _believe you. It's just... hard to understand.

They tear me apart too, brat.

I was thinking about pictures though. Came up with a bunch I thought you'd like, and I put them together in this book. It's not as good as my novels, but I didn't want to wait months before I gave it to you, so it's a bit of a compromise.

Do you like it?

Sort of almost romantic? What the hell does that mean? Of _course _it's romantic, _idiot_. What do you think I write? SF and horror?

I don't write trashy _romance_. I write serious _drama_. Yeah, and the romances always turn out like shit. That's what happens in the real world.

You _would _say that.

I put in a couple pictures of me when I was young, a few from my publicity shots, some of yours, stolen from Tohma. But most of them are of us together. Your parties, my signings, shots at concerts...

Yes, that stupid one from our first date is in there somewhere. I had to get it blown up off my damned lighter.

That one... Seems Tohma got the film from that reporter. I had to get it back from your boss, who knows what he'd have done with it. He's a special kind of freak, after all... I say we don't look half bad in that.

You're quiet. You don't like it?

I think you and I look good together in any picture. We're both too hot for our own good, all sorts of women chasing after us...

Overreacted? Maybe a bit. Slapping me like a woman? That definitely crossed a line... But I was the one who did something wrong. You don't have to apologize.

There are a lot of blanks in there. I was thinking we might be able to fill up the rest of those pages together. A little project for the two of us, to get rid of those _other _pictures still cluttering up our memories. We just have to make sure they stay private. It's not bad if they're private pictures, shared between us.

I could keep some of them to remind me not to do stupid things like sleep with girls who push themselves at me. You could keep some to remind you... well, to remind you of me. I'm worth remembering for any reason.

Don't you dare--

Okay, that's it, no pictures--!

Fine.

I have to go back in the morning, but perhaps for tonight... We can give you an image to carry with you for the rest of the tour...

Out of the question!

Shut up or I'll leave tonight instead of tomorrow morning.

Cuddle? No sex? What a waste of a trip.

Don't be an idiot. I can wait until tomorrow morning to have my way. I'll give you yours tonight.

Good night, brat.

...Asleep already? Idiot. Guess I'll sleep too.

Good night, Shuichi.

* * *

_Author's notes_

Erm, to do this last part, thanks to feedback from people, I felt I needed a change of perspective. I hope I didn't confuse anyone too much, it really wasn't my intention, but then, putting author's notes at the beginning to explain that has always seemed a little cheap. A story should speak for itself and all that...

I hope there aren't any other loose ends I've forgotten to tie up. If there are any glaring ones, I might write another chapter, but I'd really like to put this one to bed and start on something new.

Finally: All your error are belong to us.


End file.
